I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
