He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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