omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
