If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
