She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
