I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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