Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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