I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Randomize
