I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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