Man, jail baloney is awful.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
