my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
