roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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