So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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