Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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