I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
cat food counts as protein by the way
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
