Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
