She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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