Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
