I got chris browned last night
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
