Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
