I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
