i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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