I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You ruined the universe
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
