At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
