I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
