I like to think it a success when the cops are called
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
