sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
