So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You have to summon your inner elephant
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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