Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
