Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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