I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
