We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
