My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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