1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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