I faked an abortion last night.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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