Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
