my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
