Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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