I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
