It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
