I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
