the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
