I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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