Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
