My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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