Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
