so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
