ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He uses pillows to masturbate.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
