he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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