Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
