....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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