Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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