Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
