He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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