where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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