Ambien. No doubt about it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
