so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
