I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So squirting runs in the family.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
