he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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