she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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