dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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