last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
